Episode Script
(Note: the final episode will not follow the script verbatim, but it will be pretty close. )
In this episode of the Thinkering & Tinkering podcast, I’m going to share how I ended up having a “faith crisis.” It’s not something I intended to happen or that I even sought out, but it happened.
[Dramatic music: Thunderstorm 05]
And though others would tell me it wasn’t real – that I didn’t have a faith crisis, I did in fact have a faith crisis. I knew it, I knew God knew it, and I could not deny it.
You’re listening to the Thinkering & Tinkering Podcast. I’m Fickle Father. Stay with me…if you want. I’m not telling you what to do with your life…
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Mission Experience: The Godmakers & South Park
Welcome back. This is the Thinkering and Tinkering podcast. I’m Fickle Father.
I served a mission in Seattle in the early 2000s.
At that time, there was a popular anti-mormon movie floating around – a film called “The Godmakers.” As a result, there seemed to be a lot of anti-mormon knowledge in the area.
A lot of times people would invite you in and you could tell they wanted to bring up the Godmakers just from references they would make.
For example, you’d knock on the door…
[Knock, knock, knock]
[Door Creaks Open]
“Hi! We’re missionaries from the true church, would you look at those hydrangeas, can we please teach you now?”
“Oh yes, please do…but you do know that your church believes that Jesus and Satan are brothers?!”
Bam, there you go: Godmakers.
Because Godmakers over sensationalizes on what I would consider more fringe points of doctrine – like where God came from, that Jesus and Satan are brothers, or about populating planets – a lot about what happened in pre-mortal life or what is supposed to happen after death.
[Play sample of Godmakers]
Now I know this stuff may be out there, but to me it’s out there…like we’re talking about stuff that is on the fringe that is way too theoretical. It’s not based on historical fact, it’s more based on fringe stuff people may be pontificated on at one point in time.
So in my mind, these arguments were not a big deal. If anything, it just showed how easily people could be influenced by anti-mormon literature from Satan.
I wasn’t phased – Me: 1; Satan: 0.
[music fades/chapter break]
The Rock-in-a-Hat
Then, during my mission, South Park came out with an episode called “All About the Mormons”.
[cue music]
This episode explained that Joseph Smith translated the Book of Mormon using a stone that he placed into a top hat.
[Play South Park’s All About Mormons clip]
This was not something I had heard before.
Unlike the arguments from the Godmakers, this one came across, to me, as more direct and a little more pointed.
It’s like, “I don’t know exactly what’s going on in the eternal world or where God came from, but I certainly know that Joseph Smith didn’t translate the Book of Mormon with a rock in a hat.”
I knew that this rock-in-a-hat story was a lie propagated by Satan and the enemies of the Church to slander Joseph Smith’s good name. So I would explain that to people.
[knock, knock, knock]
“Hi, we’re missionaries from the one and only true church on the face of the earth, wow! What nice dogs you have! Can we share an important message with you?”
“No…no thank you. And you do know that Joseph Smith used a rock-in-a-hat to translate the book of mormon, don’t you?”
“Oh no, ma’am” [angels: Aeternum]. “As I raise my arm to the square, I hereby testify unto you with words of soberness that that prophet and seer, even Joseph Smith, Jr., who restored the Gospel, and was foreordained from the foundations of the earth to usher in this last great dispensation, did not use a rock in a hat to translate the book of Mormon. I say unto thee, Nay! For he translated the Book of Mormon, another testament of Jesus Christ, by and through the power of God to bring to pass the fulness of the gospel to never again be taken from the earth! – and the Urim and Thummim.”
“Now can we share that message?”
“Umm… no” [Door closes]
And where I sit today, I’m not sure why that rock-in-a-hat was a big deal to me back then. Objectively speaking, saying “he placed a seer stone in a top hat” is not really any weirder than saying “He used the urim and thummim.”
In fact, I think if people would have taught me as a kid that he translated the Book of Mormon using the urim and thummim, which sat upon a twirling whirlimaging, that was attached to a spotted kangerdoodle, which he purchased from a wandering salesman at the deeply discounted price of four senines and an onti,” I would have been like, “Ah, wow, yes, … that makes perfect sense. That’s actually quite amazing.”
But, at the time, it seemed important for me to clarify that the rock-in-a-hat story was not true.
And here’s the kicker – I would feel the spirit confirm my testimony about that — that Joseph Smith did not use some weird rock-in-a-hat.
I never saw that in of the pictures in primary. I didn’t feel the need to look into any details because I knew, by the power of the holy ghost, that my understanding was true.
[dum dum dum dum dum]
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Part II: The Angry Phase
Fast forward several years…
[New music mood/new chapter]
I was sitting in Sunday school and someone passed around a copy of the Salt Lake Tribune – a newspaper out of Salt Lake City, Utah.
It made its way to me and I couldn’t believe my eyes. Prominently displayed on the front page of this paper was a picture of a smooth, egg-shaped, brown, striated stone. The headline read:
Mormon church releases photos of ‘seer stone’ used by founder Joseph Smith.
“Hmm” I thought to myself.
The article explains: “The Mormon church for the first time is publishing photos of a small sacred stone it believes founder Joseph Smith used to help translate the story that became the basis of the religion.”
I was like, “What?! How is this even possible? How can it be that the anti-Mormons – the Southpark creators! – have been sharing the truth and the Church has been…well…not?
And here I was, fighting the good fight in the trenches, and apparently you had the actual stone the whole time?
It’s like this scene in dumb and dumber where Harry and Lloyd drive through the rockies in the winter and Harry has no gloves. They stop to warm up…
… And, more importantly, why did the Holy Ghost tell me that story was a lie, when the information was true?”
So I saw that the answer had to be either one of two things: Either the Holy Ghost lied, or I misunderstood the messaging because I’m not worthy or something like that.
I spent a lot of time trying to figure out which one it was.
I studied more about the Church. It seemed more and more like “anti-Mormons” were telling the real facts and the Church was hiding information it didn’t want its members to know.
This started a period of my life where I felt I could not trust the Church or the Holy Ghost or my interpretations of my feelings, because they all misled me about what is factually true. There is an adage I felt applied: “Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me.”
Redefining the “Faith Crisis”
And that’s how I accidentally found myself in a “faith crisis.” My ultimate question was “How can I stay in a Church when I’m not even sure it is true?”
And I’m using the term “faith crisis” loosely here. I don’t like that phrase. I think it implies a sense of urgency that’s just not there.
The truth is you can take your time. You can process. You’re not in a crisis situation. It’s a difficult situation and emotionally challenging, but it’s not a crisis – that’s hyperbole.
A faith crisis would be something like this:
[Music: Tempest Rondo]
There’s a bomb on a bus. The bus is going 60 mph down the freeway. If you go to church and don’t feel the spirit, the bomb detonates. If you don’t go to church and your wife gets mad, the bomb explodes. The only way for you to save the people on the bus is if you sincerely figure out if the church is true and what path you want your life to take before the bus runs out of gas. Oh, and I also need $3.7 million…
That would be a faith crisis. And that’s just not your situation.
So I reject the term, even though I used it in my episode title.
I prefer a term like a “crossroads of faith.” And even more today, I would say a “faith journey.”
Even though it does feel like a crisis emotionally, because its very painful, the reality is you have time.
These are things I’ve been trying to process for over 10 years. As of today, I’m still active in the church…and I’m mostly at peace with it at least close to most of the time. I’ll talk about why in my upcoming episodes.
But in this episode, I want to acknowledge three things about a “faith journey” that my younger self should know:
Cue the music…
[music starts]
Three Truths About Your Faith Journey
1. You’re not copping out and taking the easy way.
People who don’t know what it’s like don’t get it. But I do. And I’m telling you, you are not copping out. It is a refiners fire. And its hot at times. This is not happening because you want to sin or because you’ve done something wrong. You’re on the hard path because the hard path is the path. It’s the only path you’re going to have.
2. You’re not crazy and you’re not wrong.
The mess you are going to see is a real mess. You’ll see it’s pretty clear that the church adopted a narrative that didn’t include all the facts. It’s less clear whether this was malicious or wrong. You’re picking up on inconsistencies and problems that actually exist. And your reaction to this information is normal.
So you’re not crazy; you’re just still learning and developing the skills that you are going to need to sort through it all and that you wouldn’t otherwise get. You’re going to level up.
3. You’re not alone.
You will feel alone at times. And I think this is mostly because we live in a community structure where it is not emotionally safe to openly acknowledge or explore these concepts. But the reality is you are not alone. People around you are also experiencing this. People just don’t know how to talk about…and neither do you really.
You’ll work on it. I’m working on it. And that’s why I’m here.
Thank you for listening to the Thinkering & Tinkering podcast. I’m Fickle Father.
A Note on Tinkering
I don’t want everything to be on heavy topics… I want to share about things that I like just for fun. That’s the tinkering side of me. I like tinkering on stuff and ideas. That literally means “to repair, adjust, or work with something in an unskilled or experimental manner.”
My project base for my tinkering is in my bedroom closet. I first set up shop in a closet when I was in studying for the bar exam. I just needed a quiet place that was away from too much distraction. It’s kind of a tiny little man cave of sorts. I like being tucked away in the back corner of the house working on my stuff.